Jupiter Ascending

Okay, so let's talk about Jupiter Ascending. Seriously. Have you guys seen it? Because I watched it recently, and I’m still trying to unpack it all. It’s… a lot. Like, a lot lot.

It’s one of those movies where you’re just sitting there, popcorn in lap, thinking, “What in the name of all that is shiny and glittery is happening right now?” And the answer is usually, “I have absolutely no clue, but I’m strangely compelled to keep watching.”

You know those movies that try to do everything? That’s this one. Sci-fi? Check. Romance? Big check. Action sequences that look like they were choreographed by a hyperactive squirrel? Double check. It’s like the Wachowskis just threw every cool idea they ever had into a blender and hit ‘puree’ on high. And, you know, some of it actually tastes pretty good. But some of it… well, it’s an acquired taste. A very acquired taste.

Let’s start with Jupiter Jones. Played by the ever-lovely Mila Kunis. She’s just… a regular girl. Like, really regular. Cleaning toilets for a living, dreaming of a life beyond her mundane existence. You know the trope, right? The hidden princess, the chosen one, blah blah blah. And then BAM! Suddenly she’s the key to the entire universe. No pressure, right?

And then there’s Caine. Oh, Caine. Played by Channing Tatum, who, let’s be honest, is basically a human Greek god in this movie. He’s got the wings, the abs, the brooding intensity. He’s like a wolf-man slash intergalactic cowboy slash… well, he’s a lot of things. And he’s supposed to protect Jupiter. Because, apparently, his destiny is tied to hers. And he’s got these cool rocket boots that let him fly around like a disco ball on steroids. Seriously, the visual effects for those boots? Chef’s kiss.

But the story! Oh, the story. It’s about this massive, ancient family, the House of Abrasax, who are basically immortal space royalty. They’re like the Kardashians, but with spaceships and genetic engineering. And they’re in a massive feud over… harvesting humans. Yeah, you read that right. Harvesting. For youth. Because apparently, if you live for millennia, you get bored and decide to turn people into space-goo for your anti-aging cream. Classic villain stuff, right?

And Jupiter, our humble toilet-scrubber, turns out to be a reincarnation of a previous Abrasax matriarch. Which, you know, makes her a threat to the current batch of Abrasax siblings. Because, you know, inheritance. It’s always about the inheritance, even in outer space.

There’s this one brother, Balem. He’s played by Eddie Redmayne. And… wow. Just wow. He’s the main villain, and he’s got this voice that sounds like a broken kazoo being played through a tin can. It’s so… unique. He whispers, he squeaks, he practically cries when he’s angry. It’s like he’s channeling a Victorian ghost who’s just stubbed his toe. I’m not saying it’s bad, it’s just… memorable. You won’t forget Balem’s performance anytime soon, that’s for sure. You’ll probably have nightmares about that voice. But in a good way? Maybe?

Then there’s Kalique. She’s the seductive, manipulative sister. She wants Jupiter to sign away her inheritance, naturally. And Titus, the suave, charming one. He’s all about the spectacle. They’re all so over-the-top, it’s glorious. They’re like a cosmic soap opera, and we’re just along for the ride, trying to keep up with who’s betraying whom.

The action sequences are something else. Caine, with his wings and his boots, battling hordes of aliens who look like they crawled out of a fever dream. There are laser guns, there are swords, there are moments where he’s just doing these insane flips through the air. It’s breathtaking, and also, at times, utterly confusing. Like, are they fighting on a giant chessboard? Is that a planet made of diamonds? The Wachowskis don’t do subtle. They do epic, even if the logic gets a little fuzzy.

And the whole human harvesting thing? It’s genuinely disturbing. The idea of these super-rich aliens literally consuming people for their youth. It's a dark commentary on consumerism and the obsession with eternal youth, I guess. But it's delivered in such a flamboyant, visually bombastic way that it’s almost… entertaining? Is it okay to find cosmic body horror entertaining? I’m still asking myself that question.

The romance between Jupiter and Caine is… interesting. It’s this instant, fated love. He’s a genetically engineered warrior who’s sworn to protect her, and she’s the reincarnated queen of the universe. It’s not exactly meet-cute at a coffee shop, is it? It’s more like meet-terrifying-death-and-then-fall-in-love-in-a-spaceship. And Channing Tatum, bless his heart, he tries so hard. He’s got that puppy-dog devotion in his eyes. And Mila Kunis, she’s just trying to survive this insane whirlwind of events. Their chemistry is… there. It’s a bit like watching two very attractive people try to figure out how to use a really complicated piece of IKEA furniture together. You know they want it to work, and there are moments of triumph, but there’s also a lot of fumbling.

The production design is insane, though. Seriously, the detail. The ships are all sleek and organic. The costumes are out of this world, pun intended. There are moments where the sheer visual spectacle is enough to make you forget that you have no idea what’s going on. It’s a feast for the eyes. A beautiful, bewildering, slightly terrifying feast.

There’s this one scene, I think, where Caine is fighting and he’s got these little creatures, like space hamsters or something, helping him out? And they’re shooting little lasers. It’s so wonderfully absurd. Who comes up with this stuff? Is it a dream? Is it just the Wachowskis being gloriously weird? I think the latter is a safe bet.

And the world-building! It’s so complex. There are different planets, different species, different political factions. It’s like they took a whole universe, crammed it into a screenplay, and then forgot to include the user manual. You just have to dive in headfirst and hope you don’t drown in exposition. And there is a lot of exposition. A lot of explaining. Because, you know, someone needs to tell us why these space-people are harvesting humans. It’s not exactly common knowledge, is it?

The ending is… well, it’s a resolution. Sort of. Jupiter embraces her destiny. Caine gets his happily ever after. The Abrasax family… well, let’s just say they have some serious comeuppance. It’s satisfying in its own chaotic way. Like finishing a puzzle where you lost half the pieces but somehow it still looks like a picture.

So, would I recommend Jupiter Ascending? That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it? If you’re looking for something that makes perfect sense, that’s grounded in reality, that’s going to win awards for subtle storytelling, then probably not. This is not that movie.

But if you’re in the mood for something wildly imaginative, something that throws everything at the wall and sees what sticks, something that’s visually stunning and hilariously, gloriously bonkers? Then yes. Absolutely. Buckle up, buttercup, because you’re in for a ride.

It’s the kind of movie you can watch with friends and just laugh and point and go, “What is that?” It’s a conversation starter, that’s for sure. It’s a movie that stays with you, not because of its profound message, but because of its sheer, unadulterated audacity. It’s a beautiful, messy, glitter-covered testament to the fact that sometimes, you just have to go for it. Even if “it” involves space royalty harvesting people for anti-aging cream. You know?

And honestly, after watching it, I felt a little bit more inspired to just… embrace the chaos. To stop worrying about the small stuff and just fly. Maybe not with rocket boots, but you get the idea. It’s the feeling of possibility, even when that possibility involves a universe ruled by immortal, selfie-obsessed aliens. It’s a wild thought, but hey, that’s the beauty of movies, right?

So yeah, Jupiter Ascending. It’s a trip. A beautiful, bizarre, unforgettable trip. And I’m kind of glad I took it.